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In the Shake your shamrocks st. patrick’s t’s and crews shirt and I will buy this meantime, I continued my childhood practice of walking around topless. My little nipples grew harder and more pronounced, but there was still no bouncy flesh surrounding them. One day my mother pulled me aside to proclaim that I was no longer allowed to walk around the house without a top. “Because you’re becoming a woman, and it’s just not proper for you to expose yourself in front of your father and brother any more,” my mother answered. I’d spent my life demanding every right my brother had, and my first thought was that, once again, they were trying to deprive me of my freedom. But I held my tongue on that, because I recognized an opening and dove in. Impropriety was my entire reason for being! That came second only to one thing: fighting for justice! I could not abide by senseless rules dreamt up simply to thwart me.

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“So, you’re telling me I can’t have a bra cuz I ain’t got no tits, but I can’t walk around topless cuz of my TITS???” Now we were getting somewhere. I had an irrefutable argument, which made me feel smug, and Ma was starting to lose it. We were both yelling, but I felt in control, which she clearly did not, as was evidenced not only by her bulging vein and quivering jaw, but from the Shake your shamrocks st. patrick’s t’s and crews shirt and I will buy this fact that she’d tried to squash the argument when it had barely begun. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t let her get away with shutting me down so quickly, especially when I was obviously in the right, but I had a plan. An early riser until puberty, the next morning I bounded down the stairs for breakfast before everyone else, topless, of course. When the rest of the family arrived, they found me sitting calmly at the kitchen table eating my Cheerios, with a Cheerio glued to the tip of each budding breast. Not funny??? Of course it was funny! It was nothing but funny. But I kept my cool, continued my silent robotic spoon-to-mouth action, without so much as cracking a grin. This infuriated my mother further, and my father realized he’d better follow suit.